How did I get here?
Not a “birds and bees” story (sighs of relief all round) and this will be quite a serious post to give an idea where I’m at right now though I don’t intend to make the whole site an exploration of what’s happened. Some context and understanding of why I’ve started this may be helpful though.
I also realised I’ve started this blog almost exactly a year on from when I was here…
10th September 2013 sitting on Brighton beach after a nice day exploring the town, watching the sun go down through the breaks in the cloud thinking about the usual subjects of life, the universe and everything although without a pot of tea to hand which, as we all know, is a general cure for pretty much anything.
Foremost in my head was the thought that after ten years in my job it was time for a change. I was struggling with the increasing pressures and without going into details, the nature of the things I was being exposed to. I came home convinced and determined that changes needed to be made. What I didn’t realise was that I was already heading down a slippery path and simply changing a job could not prevent a big crash into deep depression and anxiety.
By April this year I was signed off work, on medication and battling thoughts of self harm, suicide and complete hopelessness.
It’s been an incredibly tough battle as anyone who has suffered will be well aware. I always thought I was the strong one and dealt with most things that were thrown at me over the years. I never thought that it would happen to me and that I’d be seeking counselling and medical help. Unfortunately it soon became clear that I react very badly to most medication and so have been dealing with everything while on a very low dose which some think is hardly worth taking but it could be helping.
But thanks to professional intervention and the support and understanding of family and friends I’m now in a much more positive frame of mind and able to look forward without just seeing a dark tunnel in front from me. I’ve learned a huge amount about myself and what I need to look for moving forward. Sounds strange to say it but maybe I needed this to happen to make me reevaluate things and figure out what’s really important. Still a way to go but the signs are good.
My counsellor has for a while been suggesting I write things down as a form of therapy and while she probably didn’t intend for it to be so public I suddenly felt that it might be a good thing to put myself “out there” a bit more, talk about the things that matter to me, the events I go to and so on and see where it takes me.
Already just setting this site up and expressing some thoughts has been an interesting new experience. If you’re reading, thank you. It won’t all be this serious.